Bionicle Christmas rules
by zog the angry chipmunk
Summary: Christmas is all well and good.  Not so much for the Bionicle.  Xeon compiled a list of behaviors that will largely be ignored by the insane Toa, mean-spirited Glatorian, Matoran, Agori, and half of a Piraka that are trying to celebrate..
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bionicle or any movie. Can someone tell me some funny things to say here? It's extremely monotonous.**

Xeon sighed. Accessing something called 'internet' from an alternate universe was bad enough, but picking up traditions was just a terrible idea. After Kryx had found something called Christmas, everyone had wanted to do it. Now he was stuck doing some stupid rules for the holiday, to keep Matoran and some Toa from getting hurt.

No one should take suggestions from Renegade, Takora or Hydrix.

The triangular green plant is for decoration. Do not use it as a javelin, lance or spear. (Hydrix)

Party favors are not to be ignited. (Takora, Renegade, Jaller)

Guests are not to be ignited. (Just about everyone who can find the torch)

Presents should not contain dangerous gifts, including; weapons, explosives, poisons, any sharp objects, missiles, deadly evil robots. (Again, almost everybody.)

Yes, the movie 'Nightmare before Christmas' had somewhat cheap animation. Do not attempt to improve upon it. Especially the jack-o-lantern with a Santa hat. (Hydrix, Dalu, Nuparu)

Hydrix, in case someone else reads this list, I won't say. Do not repeat the decorating of your room.

Takora, stop encouraging Jaller.

Arak, do not freeze anyone to make a snowman. Especially me and any Toa of Fire.

Renegade, stop blowing up the little model Santa.

Renegade, stop hanging the little model Santa from a noose.

Renegade, stop asking for venison whenever you see a Rudolph decoration.

Renegade, go away. Far away.

Icicles can cause damage to people. Don't test this theory. (Dalu, Hydrix, Renegade, or any combination of those three)

Do not read minds to find out what your present is. (Nuika)

Do not x-ray presents and tell people what it is. (Kryx, told to by Renegade)

Arak, stop freezing people. Period.

Hahli, stop using your mask to look like a snowman. It's creepy.

Hahli, I see you reading over my shoulder. The chameleon power only works to a point.

Outdoor lighting should be classy. Do not use enough lighting to short out the power grid.

Also, do not use lighting to set people on fire. (Hahli, Jaller, me, Renegade, Nuparu, Gelu)

Ackar, you as Santa is downright frightening. It is not funny to be frightening.

Pyrotechnics do not mix with water or snow. (Renegade, all Water Toa, Arak, Kopaka, whomever set off the fireworks in an igloo)

Christmas spirit does not mean dressing up like the characters in 'A Christmas carol'. (Renegade, Strakk, Kiina, Kongu, Lewa)

No matter how much he begs, do not let Vezon in. (Renegade)

Renegade, stay far away.

Do not get people to go out on thin ice. (Gelu, Dalu, Renegade, Arak)

Renegade, stop causing rules.

Everyone, don't give Agori or Matoran ideas.

Raanu, please stop Matoran and Agori from doing things on the list.

Chestnuts over an open fire: Good. People over an open fire: Bad.

Renegade, the evil, deadly robots that look like possessed Santas must stop.

Gelu, do not convince the Agori and Matoran that Santa is evil.

Singing 'Jingle Bells' more than five times in a row is annoying.

Do not scream "JINGLE BELLS" at random times.

Do not dress as the Grinch and attach people dressed as Santa. (Gelu, Strakk, Hydrix, Renegade)

Please don't make me do more of the list. I am already having nightmares.


	2. Chapter 2

Xeon sighed. Most of the last rules were being used as to-do lists by Renegade, and now he had to write some more. Oh, joy.

Do not pose as a mall Santa unless told to by myself or another trustworthy person.

Tahu, do not pose as a mall Santa under ANY circumstances. You keep losing your temper and roasting Matoran and Agori. Then they complain, and I'm stuck with a mound of paperwork and an injured villager.

Gelu, don't pose as a mall Santa either. Or else stop pretending that they are disgusting parasites and pouring salt on them.

Artahka is not amused when you pretend that he's Santa. Also, stop putting elf costumes on his Matoran. (I'm not going to bother anymore)

Takora, don't put reindeer costumes on the meat loaf or the steak.

Saying 'JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS' is not amusing.

Don't sing any Christmas song more than twice in a row.

Do not reenact any Christmas play without consulting me. Otherwise they are creepy disasters.

CONsult me. Not INsult me. Takora, I am not!

Strakk, do not pretend to be Santa.

Seriously.

Arak, to not freeze anyone under the ice.

Do not use any Christmas tree decorations as weapons.

Stop tying the tinsel in a noose and hanging Santa from it.

When shopping for presents in the market, do not ram people with your cart.

Dalu, don't work out your frustrations on a mall Santa. Especially Tahu. He gets grouchy.

Stop saying I'm Scrooge for making this list. Bah, humbug.

Don't add the words 'bah, humbug' to the list when I'm not looking.

Gelu, wear a Grinch suit. It gives people warning.

Santa is not a stalker. Stop saying he is.

The 'mistletoe rocket foot' joke stopped being funny after the first syllable.

Mistletoe should not contain real missiles, even bottle rockets.

No mousetraps in stockings.

No live piranha in stockings.

The singing fish must go. Renegade altered the lyrics, and you know what that means.

Do not let Vezon in.

Vezon, don't touch anything, sing, or breathe our oxygen or use our light.

Nuparu, keep anyone from using the 'internet'.

No mall Santas whatsoever. The medical bill is getting too high.

Running around screaming, "The Grinches are coming!" is bad.

Do not alter Christmas carols to include the following words: Putrid, monkey, spittle, dung, banana, bug face, trampoline, frugga bugga, quark, sasquatch, kumquat, squiggle, bungee

Mall Santas do not carry weapons.

The singing wreath is starting to freak people out. Renegade changed the batteries.

Santa hats are not to be worn anywhere but the top of the head. You don't want to know where this rule came from.

Eggnog: Good. Garlic nog: Bad. Talking green nog: Worse.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra is cool. Hydrix is not so much.

Snowmen are supposed to be three balls of snow, getting progressively smaller towards the top. Snow sculptures are of classical Christmas images. Do not make giant snow monuments of yourself. If you do, don't put a halo on it.

Stockings should be able to fit your feet in them. If it is big enough to fit multiple people, it's too big.

Don't call Tahu or Takanuva elf Toa because they're the size of Matoran.

Stop dressing as giant rats and wooden guys and battling in the streets. It's no longer a play when the emergency room is involved to treat sword wounds.

When doing plays, refrain from using elemental powers.

Sled ride at five miles per hour: Good. Sled ride at sixty miles per hour: Bad. Rocket powered sled: Worse.

Snow is usually white. It can be red, grey or black. I know it isn't naturally glowing neon, though.

Renegade!

**Reviews and suggestions are welcome. **_**DO IT NOW!**_


	3. Chapter 3

Xeon sighed. Not only did he have to do yet another set of rules, he'd encountered the talking eggnog. No one was sure why Renegade had put voice chips in the nog. _Peace on Earth_, Xeon thought, sitting down.

Renegade may not have access to liquid speaker technology. The hot chocolate called me names when I drank it.

Stop calling Kopaka, Jack Frost. He hates that.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose: Good. Kopaka freezing your face off: Bad.

Kopaka freezing you in a glacier is worse.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra is awesome. DO NOT MESS WITH THIS RULE.

The Christmas movie imitation must stop. The final straw was when the Glatorian reenacted _How the Grinch stole Christmas. _Berix was outright creepy as Cindy Loo Who.

Do not bite the heads off of the gingerbread men.

Hot chocolate should not ignite the cup. If the powder smells burnt, it's a bad thing.

You may not take military-grade weapons to snowball fights.

If a snowball is too heavy to lift without a Mask of Strength, do not throw it at somebody.

Kopaka and Arak will pretend not to know the difference between a snowball and an ice ball.

If Nuparu gives you a snowball launcher, don't use it without testing it in a secure facility.

Sadly, telekinetic or magnetic control of snowballs is banned.

Snowmen may not be rigged to fall on people.

They may also not be rigged to insult random people.

Nor may they contain unconscious people.

Do not use a snow blower for a snowball fight.

Or a plow.

Or a catapult.

Or aircraft.

Snowmen may have coals, sticks, and a carrot to make a face and arms. They may not contain Halloween items, fancy clothing, robot parts, or any part of a building.

Never ask where the rules come from. These things have happened.

Presents containing living things must not be wrapped until Christmas day. Otherwise they get hungry and mad.

The Yule log cake may not be a real log. Nor may the actual Yule log be a cake.

Holidays must remain separate. Do not celebrate Halloween, Easter, New Year's, or Independence Day on Christmas.

It ruins the Christmas spirit if the gifts you give are stolen from any place. Except people I don't like.

Do not shout "THE GRINCHES ARE COMING!" whenever certain people walk into a room.

It isn't funny to call Ackar, Scrooge.

Do not tell Santa that you were 'naughty' because aliens told you to be.

Mall Santas don't tell people that they are greedy when they ask for presents.

They don't suggest insulting gifts like 'smart pills', either.

Christmas trees should be pine, spruce, or similar trees. Palm trees are tacky but okay. Do not decorate dead trees, giant ragweed, or a cutout of any person.

Renegade shouldn't wear the Santa suit EVER.


	4. Chapter 4

Xeon groaned and sank into his chair. The rules were not being followed, Zivax was filing a complaint to Mata Nui about illegal behavior, Renegade was being Renegade, Vezon was still a danger, and the talking green eggnog hadn't gone away. Joy to the world.

Pohatu as Santa: Good. Hydraxon as Santa: Bad. Renegade: Very bad.

Do not put hot coals in people's stockings.

Do not ignite people's stockings and call it coal.

Christmas plays here are bad. Combining two is worse. The Nutcracker isn't the Grinch's double agent.

Nutcrackers should not attack people. Nor should tiny robots that look like nutcrackers.

Santa's elves should act like cheerful elves. Not like possessed shrunken people

Saying Santa doesn't exist is discouraged. Saying that he's actually Karzahni is now illegal.

Vezon should not come in.

Do not deviate from the traditional Christmas greetings, "Merry Christmas" and "Happy holidays." Do not say anything involving violence or anything that would be censored on TV.

Do not write your own Christmas stories or plays.

If Christmas music can be heard outside of the town it is too loud. Especially if you are in the middle of the town.

Christmas trees should not be black. There's something wrong with that.

Christmas trees may not be tall enough to endanger high-flying air traffic.

Or bright enough to be seen from space.

Decking the halls with boughs of holly: Good. Decking Kopaka with boughs of holly: Bad.

Gingerbread houses may not be used as armed fortresses.

Nor may gingerbread men be used as anything except food.

Candy canes may not contain any kind of gun.

The twelve days of Christmas does not mean that you get twelve times the number of presents, or twelve of each present. I do, though.

Do not put Santa hats on anything except your head.

Yes, Mata Masks of Levitation have pointy noses. Do not decorate Zivax's nose like a Christmas tree.

Hydrix's reindeer hats are not roadkill.

Rudolph flashlights are odd but okay. It is not okay to illuminate other parts of Rudolph, including his feet or the top of his head.

Dalu must take anger management pills before going to the party.

You should never have to call a SWAT team to a party.

Do not compare the Grinch to Darth Vader, Clu, Megatron, Voldemort, or any other movie super villain.

Do not wear other people's stockings.

I will not EVER participate in a play.

I will not dress as an elf under ANY circumstances.

Silver bells are annoying when rung all at once, near someone's ear, or more than fifteen times.

When Lewa calls Kopaka, Frosty, Don't give Kopaka a carrot nose or a magic top hat.

**Thanks to InTheLight and Mayiina for ideas and encouragement.**


	5. Chapter 5

Xeon sat in his chair. Tomorrow was Christmas, and his rules still hadn't taken effect. And Zivax had recently learned that the decoration on his nose was superglued. If that wasn't bad enough, he'd caught Berix and Onepu trying to open the presents with a knife, to cut the tape.

Garland is good. It looses its charm when the whole town is coated in it.

Do not drink more than ten glasses of eggnog per meal. We're running out.

Do not eat the gingerbread houses.

Fake snow is not permitted indoors. Nor is any substitute, including filling my bedroom with whipped cream, ice cream, and shaving cream.

Ice sculptures should not be dangerous to walk past.

Mall Santas don't become angry at people for sitting on their lap.

Grown Bionicle should not sit on the mall Santa's lap. Nor should they ask for creepy things.

Do not run around screaming, "THE GRINCHES ARE COMING!" at random times.

Mall Santas should not hand out coals to people they perceive to be deserving of them.

Do not send letters while pretending to be Santa.

It is not a good thing to make the 'naughty' list.

Christmas cookies should not deviate from the typical shapes.

The song says that 'the fire is so delightful'. This does not hold true if you are setting fire to my house.

It is not okay to use other people's belongings as ornaments without their permission.

Do not hand out a Chinese phone number and say that it's Santa's.

Do not hand out a German phone number and say that it's Santa's.

Do not hand out Tahu's phone number and say that it's Santa's.

Do not post online videos of people without their permission.

I shouldn't have to say this, but don't get anyone to lick a metal pole. Unless it's someone I don't like.

Do not say "Merry Christmas" after doing something evil.

Do not give Makuta Teridax's old body a Santa hat.

Do not take other people's presents or candy.

Do not wrap people in the wrapping paper when they complain.

Do not stick a bow in their mouth.

Do not convince Renegade to be an elf.

Or anyone else.

Vezon may not make speeches.

Do not put embarrassing wrapping paper on someone else's present.

If I find pink teddy bears on my present again, I will use the person doing it as wrapping paper instead.

No more yodeling. Arak keeps dropping avalanches on the town.

Christmas is December the twenty-fifth. Do not celebrate past February first.

Do not awaken anyone at 12:01 a.m. on Christmas day.

Do not use staple guns to wrap delicate items.

Never make me do five sets of rules that average 34 rules or more per set.

You are doomed.

Do not steal people's things and give them back as presents.

More doomed.

Do not put stink bombs in presents.

Indescribably doomed.

Xeon sighed and sat back in his chair. That was the last set and it was Christmas Eve. Tomorrow would be Christmas, which would probably be a fiasco. He'd already disarmed at least three stink bomb presents. Maybe after Christmas, things would become peaceful. More than likely he'd have to create more rules, though.

**END**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Me no own Bionicle**

**This was requested on my Christmas rules story.**

Xeon groaned as Berix, Takanuva, Lewa, Hahli and others ran into his room, yelling. He looked at the clock. It was 12:01 on Christmas day. He could smell the stink bomb presents and hear the gingerbread men being dismantled to remove the robots. In front of him was a gigantic white cloud that told him his room was full of whipped cream again. A blue-green hand fought through the foam as Hahli and Berix dragged him downstairs. Xeon gave a shout of surprise at the sheer scale of the fiasco.

Hydrix was beating Arak with the Christmas tree. Renegade's drones were battling gingerbread men. Malum was posing as Santa, with Vorox as elves. The Yule log was burning in the fireplace, the icing emitting a sweet smell. Tahu had at least a dozen cups of egg nog beside him, totaling three cartons. Strakk was in a Ghost of Christmas Past costume, doing battle with Ackar as the Nutcracker. Scrooge, played by Arak, and the Grinch, played by Gelu, were working on a machine with 'Mistletoe dart launcher 1.0' on the side. Dalu was yelling and trying to beat up Hydraxon, who looked amused as he held her by the top of her head at his height. Explosions were going off everywhere, and were the only source of light aside from the fire because the power grid was down. Tarduk was drowning in the punch bowl. Takora was making 'toasts' by pouring alcohol on people and lighting a match next to them.

Xeon managed to weave through the crowd to get outside. The lights were hot enough that he could feel them. The tree was brilliantly illuminated, especially with a crashed airship as the topper for the structure. Xeon waded through the snow covering the stone path, to where there was a giant statue of Hydrix. Climbing to the halo, he saw Hydrix and Jaller were roasting a Rahkshi with some chestnuts. He threw the halo from the statue and hit them with it, digging Kryx out.

He levitated to another area, where a group of carolers were singing Renegade's lyrics. Inside, Ackar was in a Santa costume, pouring salt on Berix for sitting in his lap. He pushed Berix out of the way as Hydrix, dressed as the Grinch, lunged at him. He pulled out something Nuparu had built that instantly coated Hydrix in a snowman coating. Xeon muttered to himself and walked towards the main building, already knowing that it was not going to go his way.

Inside, there were explosions going off, presents being hurled, and Matoran dressed as elves being used as shields. Renegade was playing Christmas music at the highest volume setting, still being blocked out by the screaming of Christmas carols and the incessant ringing of bells. The gingerbread house was being stormed by robotic nutcrackers, and Santa parts were everywhere.

Xeon made it to his present, sweeping aside the Santa hanging upside down from the tree. One was a bomb, the next sprayed him with cream, the third included insulting gifts, and the last was a life-size inflatable of Renegade. The tree was black and left little black needles on Xeon as he ran from the present. A moment later, it exploded. Xeon ran out into the snow, finding it glowing neon. This would be a long day.


End file.
